Thursday, October 2, 2008
Anti-Michigan University Day
There isn’t a place on this earth that is worse than walking on a Michigan University cesspool (a.k.a. campus). Anyone who has attended the Big House knows of the Arse Clown Crossing Guard that sits out front of Michigan stadium and tries to misguide fans of the opposing team and hurls stupid insults at them. The Michigan State campus is about as sleazy and redneck as that of the public university located in Ames.
A state funded university is a direct reflection on the state itself (we acknowledge the small redneck population in Iowa-they are just all centrally located in Ames). Michigan has 5 Division 1 schools and many smaller colleges and universities. Let’s examine each university and their distinct connection to the state known as Canada South.
Eastern, Central, and Western Michigan-We put these 3 schools together because they pretty much suck at everything. You can regularly find these football programs on ESPN’s bottom 10 list. They are commonly referred to as “Directional Michigan”. EMU is in a crap hole known as Ypsilanti (pronounced Ipsilanti). Driving through there will eventually lead to that 8 mile stretch of road in Detroit-about the worst place in America. WMU is in Kalamazoo. K-Zoo, as the locals refer to it, can be compared to your local salvage yard or city dump. WMU ruined our bowl chances last year and we just hate them now. Now to CMU’s credit, they have a flashy quarterback and some semi-decent athletes who have made it to the professional level in various sports. CMU is located in Mount Pleasant (much worse than Mount Pleasant, Iowa). My top two worthless college towns would include Stillwater, OK and Mount Pleasant, MI. The big draw to go to CMU is the Indian casino that is nearby. So let’s summarize: suck, suck, and gambling. Now we look to the more popular Michigan universities.
I assume you have a better chance of being struck by lightening then finding a Hawkeye fan who doesn’t hate Michigan with all of his or her guts. Ann Arbor represents all that is wrong with America. When you enter this locale, you are greeted by uppity, rude, proud, conceited students who think that a Michigan diploma will get them somewhere in life. Want to tick off a Michigan student? Tell him or her A) Starbucks or Panera Bread closed, B) Someone stole their Wall Street Journal, C) make spill ketchup on their $300 outfit, or D) let their air out of their BMW. A diploma from Michigan is about as good as the 2-ply I have in my bathroom. Michigan graduates, enjoy finding a job around there. Michigan has the worst unemployment rate in the country. Of course you don’t care, your from Michigan and that means the world right? In the midst of our turbulent season, I have enjoyed seeing the misery on the faces of the Wolverine fans. You can tell they have nothing more to live for. I root for the little guy and I love seeing the big dogs get knocked down from time to time. That being said, if Michigan spent, oh I don’t know, the next 80+ years as bottom feeders in our conference, it wouldn’t break my heart. So our one word summary: arrogant.
Last but not least, Michigan State-our opponent this weekend. Contrary to the above mentioned school, I’d be hard pressed to find a Hawk fan who hates MSU more than UM. East Lansing truly divides the state into 2 parts. The western side in all honesty is a fairly scenic (except K-Zoo) and the Eastern side which is scenic as well-ghetto scenic that is. When you clash the clean cut areas of Grand Rapids and Grand Haven with the ghetto trifecta of Detroit, Flint, and Saginaw, you have East Lansing, MI. MSU fans really get me. You never hear from them unless their team is doing well. I haven’t read this much from MSU fans for about 5 years now. They start off well and they all have to talk about it. When they stink-like usual-they just fall back on their basketball team, or the Pistons. Word to sum up MSU: well you decide this one.
Now that you are educated on all the great things coming out of the Michigan universities, you can have a greater appreciation for why Hawkeye fans do not like them. Going through this very in-depth study gives me more of an appreciation for being a Hawkeye fan-and a part of the University of Iowa. We still tailgate and support our team during the hard times. We fill Dolphins stadium about 70% with Hawkeye fans. We are proud of our traditions. We pride ourselves on the backbone of our economy-the farmers. We hold the door open for people because it’s nice and not that hard to do. A cup of coffee from Casey’s will do just fine. A burger from the Hamburg Inn or a pizza from Pagliai’s beats any chain restaurant on any day. You may not play or follow golf, but you know who Zach Johnson is and you are darn proud of him. College students bike to class or take the Cambus-no need for BMW’s down at the Ped Mall.
MSU game outlook tomorrow-Enjoy the debates!